Though I am not a doctor, my advice comes from a combination of personal experience and therapy given to me by professionals. Leaving someone controlling and/or abusive can be (and usually is) a dangerous situation, so more than anything, my wish to you is to call your local domestic violence hotline and get help in finding a therapist that can assist you in your quest. It truly helps to have help from these places as they can help you find lodging, clothing, counseling and more, all for the asking. The help I recieved from multiple agencies to leave my ex was all free. Do not let your fear of these places scare you. You don’t have to stay in a shelter if you don’t want to. I didn’t. There are alternatives to everything. It is more scary to continue living with violence, home should be a place of refuge, not of fear. Let others help you, to get not only guidance but support.

First of all, I will briefly explain my story. I met a charming, well-heeled (or so I thought) businessman on a reputable online dating site. We hit it off, long story short, I moved in with him. As time went on, it became clear to me that he was hiding something. And, I caught him in lies about many things, big and small. After doing some snooping, it was revealed that the man had just left another woman after trying to drain her of her money. And, he had been married more times than he’d said. His whole story was a lie. I felt devastated. The more I tried to talk things over with him, the worse our relationship became. He became violent, controlling and would disappear on business trips, coming back with “signs” of another woman. He began to threaten, and became phyiscally violent. Without the free cellphone the domestic violence agency gave me, I would’ve been seriously injured or killed. I was in the process of leaving him, that is what sparked his violent rage. I was hurt, stabbed in the hand with a knife, but fought him off and locked myself in the bathroom as I called the police. They arrested him, I had a restraining order put out on him and finished moving my things the next day. Then, I was gone for good.

After this situation, I drove to a new city, far away from where he was, and got a new apartment. It took a few days, so I stayed in a hotel until the right place was found. The first place wasn’t great, but it was safe, even if I had to sleep on the floor. All my things were in storage in another state. I didn’t care, it felt good to know that I was free of the horrible person who tried to control, intimidate and hurt me. With me were my two cats, who were traumatized but ok. They adjusted to hotel living and to the new place faster than I thought they would. In time, I found a gorgeous place, brought my furniture down from the storage place, and bought new furniture. Now, I live on a lake, happily free of any pain.

So, what to do first? Start as much in advance of your move as possible. Quietly, remove things that are of value to you. Frequently, abusers will destroy things of value to their victims, it’s part of their control issues. Pack a suitcase with the basics and store that, too. You will need it if leaving in a hurry happens. Also, take important papers, photos and documents. Put them in a storage unit or apartment that is NOT close to your current residence. That way, when you’re gone, you won’t need to drive near the abuser’s place. Only take things that aren’t easily noticed, if confronted, never tell the abuser what you are doing. Your safety depends heavily on it. It’s about self-preservation, you are an adult and don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Just calmly blow off any attempts to figure out what you are doing and be as discreet in removing items as possible.

Calmly and without anger, co-exist with your partner while secretly getting help elsewhere. Keep an even temper, so not to add tension to an already tense relationship. Keeping the peace is needed, as best as you can. Read up on the “Cycle of Violence”. It explains the build-up of tension before a fight, the fight, then the “honeymoon” period afterwards. It is a handout that every domestic violence agency has and gives out to anyone living with an abusive partner. And it is helpful in understanding the dynamics of abusers, and how to respond to them. If you can, go to a support group. This way, you can discuss your weekly goings on with others who are also going through difficult situations. A good group, in my opinion, is one that listens to stories, but also gives ideas on coping with each situation. Listening to others’ stories helped me gain the strength to leave.

Living with someone abusive can drain you of all energy, consume your mind with hopes of a better life later (no, you can’t fix the person, trust me) , and make you feel absolutely worthless. Remember, it’s the situation you are in, and not a definition of who you really are. You are a good person, in a bad relationship. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Friends of mine got mad at me for not leaving sooner, they didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just up and go to a shelter. I had pets (shelters don’t accept them) and refused to leave them with the abuser. I planned it all so I’d leave, and not leave anything of mine behind, especially my pets. Protect your pets by leaving them with others for safe keeping, if possible. Abusers will sometimes kill pets, because they know they are important to the victim. People may be upset with you for not leaving when they think you “should”, but only you know when the time is right. Sometimes it takes a few dry runs before the actual time you leave, but when you are truly fed up enough, you will know when and be done with the person. Remember, the MOST DANGEROUS time in the relationship is when you leave the abuser, this is when murders usually happen. They are losing control of you and will react in whatever way they can to take control. Take this seriously if you’re going to leave. Don’t let others dictate when you are ready, trust your own judgment.

Abusive people tend to like control, and isolating their victims. It’s subtle sometimes, but in time, the person being controlled is slowly isolated from friends and family. Each case is different. Be aware of this, and for this reason, it is important to have a confidante you can turn to, who will be there for you. It can be a friend, co-worker, or therapist. Just someone to talk to, to touch bases with, who is trustworthy and who won’t tell the abuser what you are doing. Talking to others helps you not to isolate and keep all the stress inside. In my case, I used friends in another state, and a therapist from the domestic violence center. Fight isolation. Give yourself the ability to be around others, and interact with them. This gives you a voice, builds your confidence and lets others know if you need help or not.

When you are ready to leave, enlist the help of human agencies or services if need be to help you move. A local church helped me for free with lightweight items so I could use my own money to pay a mover for the heavier items. I moved fast, not knowing how long the authorities would keep my ex in jail. Call around, find out who is willing to help. Shop around for good moving rates. One guy tried to jack up the price on moving, I told him to get lost. Don’t let moving scammers take advantage of your situation, by standing firm and not taking any extra-payment-needed garbage from anyone. Don’t be shy, this is a good time to build your self-esteem by standing up for yourself. Don’t tell the abuser about any of this. Plan the move when you know your partner won’t be around for a long period of time, at least a few hours. This is a new life and they have no part of it, so they need not be a part of it AT ALL.

Pre-plan how to leave with kids involved, by talking the situation over with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, call around, looking for an attorney who will do “pro-bono” work (free legal advice). They are out there, and you can find them if you look. Or, go to a Legal Aid society in your area and ask them what to do. They are in major cities, and are there to help those who cannot afford legal representation.

Move out of the person’s life abruptly, and don’t look back. If you must go to court against a spouse for any reason, take someone with you or ask the court staff to accompany you to your car if you are afraid of the person. Be proactive, defend against being a victim. I carried pepper spray in the form of a pen that I bought on an online auction. And had another in my home, too. It pays to be as prepared as possible against attacks. Some people take self-defense courses. Violence can happen in the blink of an eye, so it pays to be alert if the abuser is threatening. Do not underestimate threats. Many people are killed by thinking their spouse would never be capable of murder. Sometimes, violent threats with weapons go wrong and accidents happen. Never underestimate threats or aggression. Ever.

By being alert and pre-planning a new life, you are on your way to a more fulfilling life, if you make it so. It won’t feel good in the beginning, but it will get better, believe me. Time is your friend in this. Remember, you have worth, nobody defines you, you define yourself. In the end, it’s about taking care of yourself and removing the victim. Be a victor. It may mean sleeping on the floor of an apartment without furniture for awhile, or on a friend’s couch, but that is OK. Do whatever is best for you in the situation. Don’t look back, and have NO contact with the abuser. If you do, the person will try and make amends, to try and win you back, most likely. Believe none of it. Staying means an increase of aggression. That is part of the Cycle of Violence. You can do much better. One day at a time.

Carolyn McFann is a scientific and nature illustrator, who owns Two Purring Cats Design Studio. Her website is at: cafepress.com/twopurringcats cafepress.com/twopurringcats . Educated at the Rochester Institute of Technology in New York, Carolyn is a seasoned, well-traveled artist and photographer. She has lived and worked in Cancun, Mexico for two years, among other interesting professional assignments in other countries. Clients include nature parks, museums, scientists, corporations and private owners. Her focus is on realistic, natural artwork and illustration through her agent and her website. She has been the subject of tv interviews, articles for newspapers and other popular media venues.

Recently on my weekly Relationship Radio Show in Atlanta on RadioSandySprings.com I had the privilege of interviewing Relationship Coach Alyssa Johnson of ReMarriageSuccess.com and author of “The 7 Questions to Ask Before Saying I Do Again.

One of the things I do on the show each week is create a top seven list related to the topic of the week. So this week’s list is “The Top 7 Signs You are Not Ready to Get Married Again.”

7. After your divorce, you moved back in with your parents, who had never changed your room. Now you still haven’t either.

6. You are still married.

5. I usually reserve number five for a listener to call or email in – this person quoted me quoting Billy Joel from several shows ago – “Well, you’re 21 and still your mother makes your bed. And that’s too long.”

4. You still fight with your ex every day.

3. Number three is usually offered by the guest. Alyssa Johnson said “”You’re planning on introducing your kids to their new step parent once you both return from the honeymoon.”

2. You tell anyone who will listen what a jerk your ex is.

And the number one sign that you are not ready to get married again – Your favorite saying in the whole entire world come from the late great writer Lewis Grizzard who said “I’m never getting married again. I’m just going to find a woman I hate and give her my house.”

And that ladies and gentlemen, are the top seven signs your are not ready to get married again.

For more tips and tools for keep your relationship strong or for tuning it up, you are invited to visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

Listen to Jeff’s weekly Relationship Radio Show each Thursday in Atlanta at 5 pm Eastern on RadioSandySprings.com RadioSandySprings.com

From Atlanta’s Singles & Relationship Coach – Jeff Herring.

It’s not your mother’s wedding, so stop worrying about doing everything her way. This is a time for you to express your individual taste and style. So what if she never would have dreamed of carrying “fake” flowers in her bridal bouquet. In her generation fake flowers were plastic. Of course she wouldn’t have used them!

This is a new generation and silk wedding flowers are the rage! Not only have “fake” flowers evolved in leaps and bounds, but they have also become very popular as alternatives to fresh flowers for wedding bouquets, flower girl baskets, corsages and boutonnieres. From the exquisite cascading bridal bouquet to the simplistic hand-tied wedding bouquet, silk wedding flowers lend themselves to every style imaginable!

Elegant silk calla lilies look lovely, whether cascading downward intermingled with ivy, or when in a hand-tied bridal bouquet. Silk roses in a rainbow of colors combine nicely with a variety of other flowers in a clutch bridal bouquet or in a cascading wedding bouquet. The look is so close to that of fresh flowers that most people will never even know the difference. But your checkbook will!

Purchasing silk wedding flower packages is what many smart brides are doing. Eliminating the stress of last-minute florist mix-ups, ordering your silk wedding flower sets from one of the online merchants is convenient and cost-effective. With packages starting under $300, silks have made wedding flowers affordable.

Beware of low-quality silks, however. Make sure that you’re getting top-of-the-line silk flowers if you want to fool everyone that they’re real. Quality silk wedding flowers are so realistic that people will want to smell your bridal bouquet! To fool them, try spritzing your wedding bouquets with rose oil or another floral fragrance.

Flower girl baskets can carry a stationary arrangement or an assortment of silk rose petals to be scattered down the aisle for the bride to walk upon. Walking on rose petals is symbolic of both beauty and of the bride walking down the path of a new life that is about to begin. Another alternative for the flower girl is for her to carry a silk floral pomander. The flowers can match those in the bridal bouquet and your little flower girl will look adorable swinging her beautiful pomander to and fro as she heads down the aisle. This is especially conducive to very young flower girls.

The ring bearer’s pillow has an alternative as well. A fabric covered ring box can be carried down the aisle by your young attendant. This is a more contemporary look for the ring bearer, who often balks at carrying a lacy pillow.

In lieu of traditional corsages, consider giving the special women at the wedding small hand-tied bouquets for them to carry. With today’s flimsier fabrics, pin on corsages are sometimes too bulky to wear. However, by using silk flowers, the weight of the corsages is dramatically decreased. Maybe you could point that out as a benefit to your mother as you gently remind her — this isn’t her wedding after all.

Bonnie Goodwin Ray has more than sixteen years experience in the wedding industry. She is the author of Wedding Planning Made Easier and has become a leading expert in

Today we have more people searching for new partners than ever before with even more stories of them failing to find the right ones, without anyone really appreciating why the constant mismatch goes on. Obviously we can all point to various reasons why two people do not hit it off at the beginning, but I have been doing some quiet research on what people put into their online profiles regarding their search for soulmates and have come up with a fascinating answer for the lack of success in this regard.

Men and women advertise their needs and desires erroneously thinking they are speaking the same language of love, but they are not. They speak conflicting languages of expectation which often get lost in translation. Women are inclined to believe that men are seeking the same things as they are: romance, love and the usual trimmings. That is not quite the case with many men who are more practical and less emotional in their desires. In fact, men appear to be seeking two things in a partner which women seldom mention: understanding and an activity mate. It is NOT the same as seeking love. In fact, where the word ‘love’ comes as varying levels of a check box, men very rarely put that they are ‘Extremely loving, or very loving’. Often they put ‘quite loving’ or nothing at all.

Men seem to have a deep-seated need to be ‘understood’, and it comes out as a consistent priority on their profiles. Whereas women have this need to be romanced and loved, with as much affection as possible. A man might say that loving is part and parcel of being understood and sharing activities, but that misses the vital point of coming together – to be loved and wanted in an emotional way. Many men appear to be seeking an activity partner who just might bring some love with her, because they constantly mention how they want a companion to share the various fun activities they like to enjoy. Many women, on the other hand, are seeking a very loving and romantic man who might wish to do some things together. The two perspectives are really not the same! They carry a major difference in expectations within them.

Conflicting Gender Speak

Often women simply want someone to love them; one they can love in return, who makes them feel valued and with whom they can do whatever they please when the moment arises. Activities are not essential in this oasis of love and desire. If they never go away for a weekend, for example, it doesn’t really matter, so long as the man is there for them. Whereas, ‘activity’ people are simply seeking company for their activities with a little love thrown in, if they can get it. The emphasis is in going away and doing things regularly. Not just staying at home to be loved! If they can be ‘understood’ too, that’s a great bonus as well! That is also why many men select ‘being energetic’ as a vital requirement in their partner, whereas far fewer women state that attribute in their choice of soulmates.

Apart from seeking perfection in potential partners, the gender view of the whole dating process is an important factor for failure, yet has not really been examined and explored in enough depth. One only has to look at the words used by men and women to realise that expectations clearly go along gender lines which then creates a problem in interpretation. For example, while women tend to be more emotional in expression, stressing personality and idealistic characteristics, men tend to be more physical, particularly requiring definite types in height, build and hair. This difference in language also ensures that what one party thought would clarify and define their desires merely obscures it in conflicting gender speak for the other. It also keeps the genders from appreciating the needs of each other.

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and myspace.com/elaineone myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on amazon.co.uk amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, “Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!”