Doesn’t this phrase sound benign? Refreshing even? Can you imagine a perfect-temperatured, clear, tranquil pool, inviting you to dip your toes or immerse yourself totally in the rejuvenating water? Do see yourself floating on the pristine pond as the gentle current rocks you into complete relaxation?

If only releasing someone — or being released — back into the dating pool was so calm. In fact, it is usually the opposite, full of stress, teeth gnashing, crying, yelling or drama. Often there are hurt feelings on one or both sides. Whether you are the releaser or the released, the relationship-liberating conversation typically entails tension, even if it is agreed upon by both.

It needn’t be this angst ridden. It can be mature, sane and calm, depending on how and when the discussion is broached. If the conversation is begun sensitively and kindheartedly, and in an appropriate place, there will be less difficulty.

Of course, if the person you’re breaking up with has a bent for drama, anger and/or defensiveness, there will be yelling, name calling, perhaps even dish throwing. So make sure you do it in a public place where his behavior will be modified, or security can be fetched quickly. Also, make sure to meet him there so you have your own getaway car, I mean transportation. And changing the locks may be in order if he has a key to your place.

What are signs you should break up?

* You’ve become increasingly disenchanted with him. You no longer think his jokes are hilarious, nor his idiosyncrasies charming. You used to think his eating salad with his fingers was cute. Now you think it’s gross.

* His behaviors are more irritating than ingratiating. His machine-gun-like laugh used to be amusing. Now it’s immature. When he dismisses his forgetfulness with “I have a sieve for a brain” it used to sound sweetly self-deprecating. Now you notice you hear it every time he conveniently “forgets” to do something you’ve asked.

* You let voice mail answer when he calls. You used to love his frequent calls. But now, the fifth call of the day to give a moment-by-moment report on what he’s done since you last talked — an hour ago — has gotten old.

* You find you are disappointed or angry more than pleased with him. He doesn’t keep his word, forgets important events, doesn’t do anything to please you or show he cares.

* He is argumentative, belittling, condescending, controlling, paranoid, angry, verbally abusive, self-obsessed and/or downright mean. Cut loose now and don’t accept him back, no matter how much he begs. Don’t.

* You don’t want to introduce him to your friends or take him to the office party. You can’t imagine kissing him or making love to him one more time. Or still being with him in a month.

* You hear yourself thinking, “We would really be better just as friends,” “This isn’t working,” or “We aren’t a match.”

These are all signs you should let him go. You’re not doing him any favors by sticking around when you’re really not into the relationship. And you’re preventing yourself from finding someone more compatible.

You justify staying because “I love him.” It takes more than love to keep coupledom working. You can love your dysfunctional uncle, your abrasive aunt, your alcoholic cousin. But would you choose someone with their behaviors as your mate, despite your love for them? I hope you answer no. You deserve someone who is functional, kind and sober. Love is not enough to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.

In management, there is sage advice on when the best time to fire someone: The first time you think of it. Now I don’t believe you should fire someone on the spot when the thought crosses your mind. I believe you should talk to him/her about the problem and see if the behavior shifts into an acceptable range.

The same with a beau. You need to talk about it if something isn’t working for you — and the sooner the better. Don’t let it fester. If he can’t or won’t shift it and it’s very important to you, then unless you can decide it’s not important, he will never measure up. So don’t ignore it when you hear yourself thinking “I can’t imagine being with this guy long term,” “I’m just not attracted to him romantically anymore,” or “I’d never marry this man.”

Many years ago, I dated a man for over a year who I knew I’d never marry. We even lived together. I knew from his comments he expected we’d get married, although he never actually proposed. Finally, I had to tell him we weren’t going to get married. Much yelling, crying and door slamming ensued. While it wasn’t right for him to assume, it wasn’t right for me not to correct him when he’d make marriage comments. I led him on and it was not right. I swore I wouldn’t do that to anyone in the future, nor would I want it done to me.

So if releasing needs to happen, think how you can do it considerately and sensitively — and soon. Very soon. Then you can relax in the peace-of-mind pool.

R.L. Morgan – The Dating Goddess – brings you her experience from the front line — having dated 73 men in 2 years after her 20-year marriage broke up. Read her insights and lessons to help you date more effectively. She’s a bestselling author, Oprah guest, and speaker. Read all of the Dating Goddess’s wisdom at Adventures in Dating After 40, DatingGoddess.com DatingGoddess.com .

Survey says 74% of single women view baseball games as a great way to meet men.

A survey of over 8,500 singles, found that over 2/3 of women, but only half of men think a baseball game is a good place to take a date. What’s more, nearly 3/4 (74%) of women think a baseball game is a good place to meet men.

However, if going to a game is part of your dating repertoire, leave the cell phone at home. 38% of men responded that they find talking on cell phones more annoying than complaining about the seats (33%) or acting completely uninterested in the game (28%).

If you’ve met someone you like, going to a sporting event can be a great idea for a date – it’s a fun and casual atmosphere, you’re outdoors and it’s an activity that you both enjoy, however, the length of a game does not make it appropriate for the first date.

Why do men and women get along so well at games? Men are accepting when it comes to not being there for the last out; 77% said they would understand if their date wanted to leave a game early.

The survey also revealed that 90% of women brush up on baseball fundamentals before games, either by reading the sports page (31%), learning the names of key players (30%), or making sure they understand the rules of the game (29%).

Chivalry is not dead, at least among baseball fans. 84% of men said if they caught a ball in the stands, they would give it to their date; although 5% of men would rather make some money than be chivalrous and sell the baseball on eBay.

As far as the players themselves, who would women most like to date? 40% of single women believe Derek Jeter is the sexiest baseball player.

The infield takes the prize for the sexiest positions: 54% find the pitcher to be the sexiest; 32% think shortstops are sexier. Sorry outfield, only 8% of respondents found you the sexiest.

Additional survey highlights:


· 31% of men think 9 innings is too long, 7 innings would be better, compared to the vast majority of women (85%) who think 9 innings is about right.


· 67% of men feel scoreboard marriage proposals are too public or embarrassing, while 32% of women think they are romantic and sweet.


· If singles had great seats for Opening Day, 37% of men would take someone they want to ask out on a first date, while 29% of women would take a colleague and 13% would take their dad.


· 41% of women are okay with their significant other watching 1 game a week; with 26% saying 2-3 games a week is enough, although 8% of women won’t even consider dating someone who watches sports all the time.


· Nearly 1/3 of women have gone to a sports bar solely to meet men.


· Baseball players are cuter than basketball and football players according to 37% of female singles. 7% thought it was because they sweat less.


· The sexes agree. 51% of singles think the New York Yankees are the best looking American League team. As for the National League, 33% of women think the Chicago Cubs are the most attractive team.

itsjustlunchcolumbus.com Visit It’s Just Lunch Columbus for further dating information

Attempting to answer all and even crazy questions has convoked me of one human question “why mother blindly love her child?” And why it is not father? Moreover, why siblings and relatives cannot love each other as the mother’s way? And why cannot our head of state love his/her fellow citizen to the quantity of the mother’s love? The following paragraph will explain the foregoing philosophy-oriented question.

There is only one reason why mother blindly loves and cares for her child: “she gives birth to him/her.” All of us are aware that what we obtain through endeavor, we will value and love that thing and the more endeavor we execute; the more we love and value that thing. The foregoing fact is the indirect answer to why mother blindly loves her child.

Birth-giving is the most hazardous experience in the mother’s entire life; this is the reason why she unquestionably and unconditionally loves her child. Despite today, birth-giving is not as dangerous as in the past, since we have modern techniques and skilled midwife to help, birth-giving is still the most awesome experience in the mother’s life.

Eliciting from the above rationalization, I have an answer to a self-asked question: “why in the older day, mother seem to love and be attached to her child more than today mother?” The answer is that, in the older day, birth-giving is much more life-threatening than today.

The above philosophical statement on why mother blindly loves her child dramatically teaches us real-life lessons, as well as the answer to legal, political, social, economical and other humanitarian questions.

Some questions and answers drawing from mother-child formula

Q: Why politician blindly love his/her power?
A: Because profound perspiration and inspiration are executed before getting the power into his/her hand.

Q: Why child does not love his/her mother to the extent of his/her mother’s love to him/her?
A: Because child does not undergo any life-threatening experience why he/she is coming out of the mother’s womb.

Q: Why a person who wins five millions from lottery more extravagantly spend those winning amount, comparing to a tycoon?
A: Because the lottery winner too easily gets the money; while tycoon could own great wealth by doing perspiration businesses and other endeavors.

Q: Why power from coup d’état last shorter than or not as smooth as the power from popular election?
A: Because power from coup d’état is much easier than power from popular election.

Q: Why we appreciate a rich from struggle, but not a rich from corruption?
A: Because one’s achievement is gained from struggle, while another’s achievement is gained from corruption. Struggle means “hero” and corruption means “villain”.

Q: Why some people commit suicide after losing one’s reputation?
A: Because to gain that reputation, one has paid enormous and life-long perspiration.

And much more…

Conclusion

Too many examples in our daily and economic lives are on track with the above explanation about why mother blindly loves her child. Remember that amongst other criteria, perspiration is the source for any achievement.

Lay Vicheka is a translator for the most celebrated translation agency in the Kingdom of Cambodia, Pyramid Translation Co.Ltd.. He is now hoding other two professions: freelance writer for Search Newspaper; focusing on social issues and students’ issues and Media Liaison Officer for Asia’s first free on-line IELTS consultation website. Lay Vicheka is the expert author for ezine and prolific article contributor to other websites around the world such as articlecity, 365articles, spiderden, talesofasia, etc (Just google him). He is also a volunteer Cambodian-newspapers columnist (Rasmey Kampuchea and Kampuchea Thmey). Lay Vicheka has great experience in law and politics, as he used to be legal and English-language assistant to a Cambodian member of parliament, migration experience (home-based business) and in writing. He is also member of a New York-based research company. Posting address: 221H Street 93, Tuol Sangke quarter, Russey Keo district, Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Tel: 855 11 268 445, mailto:vichekalay@yahoo.com vichekalay@yahoo.com

Love takes time. A minimum would be six months of dating to even accurately say “I love you.” What about love at first sight and all the other miracle attractions of life, cinema and fiction? They are the exceptions, often rare if successful, to the Rule — Love takes Six Months. Why? You cannot love someone you do not know and it takes time to get to know someone. Dating is a euphoric state in which each party wants the other to like them. So everybody is on good behavior, trying to empress, hoping weaknesses don’t show through to soon, taking extra care with appearance and niceties. Over time you see a person at their best and worst. Specifically pay attention to relationships with family members, attitudes about ex’s and others of your gender. Then just before you utter the “L” word ask these nine questions about yourself and the other person:

1. What is the dating history?

One pattern to look at is too much/too little. Beware of the person who has been ” in love” a lot. Such a person may be in love with the idea of being in love and continues to move one warm body in after another. Or there is such a fear of loneliness someone has to be in their life. Or there is strong emotional neediness to be loved or to love that a vacuum is abhorred. People who have never dated or dated very little likely know very little about the skills necessary to sustain an ongoing intimate relationship. Or the person is jumping on the first person who shows interest in them to escape a bad home, relationship or life circumstance i.e. broke, unemployed, debt, etc.

2. What is the roommate history?

Most of the time roommates voluntarily select each other. Get this history early in the dating process, because once people think you are “serious” you may not hear the truth. Beware of a person who has had four different roommates in two years. Is the person irresponsible by not paying a share of the bills on time? Or rude or unthoughtful by playing music loud when a roomie has a big deadline or a project. Talk to short term roommates about issues of disrespect, dishonesty, or selfish, narcissistic behavior.

3. Are there any family issues?

Is there a family history of abuse — verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual? These abuses can leave feelings and reactions that fast forward into here and now relationships. People can overcome these abuses, but it often requires therapy, hard personal work, and/or patient supportive healthy relationships. Carefully consider a family history of addictions, mental illness, or divorce. This is not an exhaustive list but certainly include those issues most often discussed as problematic. These issues, if present, do not have to be a deal breaker for a relationship but should be carefully considered as to there impact on a marriage, children, in-laws and your future.

4. What is the history of friendships?

Friendships tell volumes about a person’s ability to get along in the broadest universe of relationships. Harry Stack Sullivan, eminent American psychiatrist, believed even the most horrible hurts in childhood could be overcome with a good friend in a process he called “chumship.” Have friendships lasted since childhood or adolescence? Are most of these people emotionally healthy, leading productive lives, and have stable relationships. A yellow caution light ought to go off in your head if someone you are dating only has crazy, messed up friends. Or if the person tends to have a new best friend and all past friends are trivialized or hated. At the least it may mean extensive use of cutoff or alienation if the person is hurt, at the worst it could mean use of splitting which indicates a character disorder.

The first four questions ask about history. The answers are usually in the form of observable, countable facts. Some say love is blind. Well it sure can be dumb if we don’t ask important sometimes hard questions.

5. Are each of you happy persons?

One of the myths in our culture is I can marry happiness. If I find Mr./Ms. Right I’ll be happy! Wrong! Each person carries happiness within the self. Imagine its a bucket within your personality. Whatever has happened to you for good creates a reservoir of happiness. Whatever has happened to you for bad creates holes in your bucket. Life is the challenge of patching the holes and keeping the bucket filled within. No amount of someone pouring goodies and love form the outside will keep you happy long if the holes remain unpatched.

Visit advancedrelationshipskills.com advancedrelationshipskills.com for more tips and tools for avoiding and recovering from extramarital affairs. You can also visit our advancedrelationshipskills.com/blog.htm Relationship Skills Buidling Blog at advancedrelationshipskills.com/blog.htm advancedrelationshipskills.com/blog.htm

Creating a wedding that has everyone talking is a feat in itself. Creating a wedding that is truly enjoyable and memorable for all your guests is a challenge but not as difficult as you may think.

Many brides and wedding planners are moving away from the traditional wedding in the arena of entertainment especially for their receptions. More and more are booking entertainment such as classic arcade games or even racing simulators. With weddings being a family oriented gathering, this type of entertainment involves all ages; young and old. We have a bride booking all sports related games for her reception in Indiana this October, said Don Hankinson, COO of Phoenix Amusements (located in Atlanta, GA).

He added, She will still have a band for music, but wanted to get everyone interacting with our games. She’s booking pool tables, Hydro Thunder Speedboat Racing, electronic darts and all our upright sports related video games. Even though this is not the typical wedding, other customers want more control over the music played, so pre-programmed juke boxes are a big request for wedding receptions. You can even burn your own CD and add it to the juke box. And most of the jukeboxes have their own PA system, so you even can use them for announcements. The sound is exceptional on the Nostalgic Jukebox so there is no need for additional speakers according to Mr. Hankinson.

Trends come and go, but engaging your guests and surprising them with new exciting entertainment will always be a “traditional” wedding in everyone’s book.

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Getting married can be confusing and overwhelming. If you feel a little lost planning your wedding, try using this list to make sure that you’re getting everything done right and not forgetting some little detail. These things aren’t all you will have to do to plan your wedding, but they can definitely help get you started.

First, make sure that you and your groom are on the same page about the style, tone, and size of your wedding ceremony and reception. It can be a disaster if you’re hoping to have a small, private affair, but your fiance wants to invite all the family. Sit down and come up with adjectives or other writing to describe your perfect wedding, then compare. Be ready to compromise if your groom doesn’t have the same ideas you do.

Set the budget early. Go over your finances and decide how much money you can spare, and how much you have in savings. If you are planning to save up for your nuptials, make sure that you expect to put away a reasonable amount that won’t affect your standard of living. Some people borrow money for their wedding, but this is a last resort. Going into a marriage in debt can put unnecessary strain on your relationship.

Choose your attendants in advance. Most people have between two and twelve additional people in the wedding ceremony. It’s a good idea to let them know as early as possible that you would like them to be in your wedding, so that they can make plans. Ask in person if you can, but calling is acceptable if they live far away.

Look for venues. This should happen around a year in advance, because that’s how far ahead most halls are booked. The earlier you start your search, the easier you’ll find getting the perfect venue on the date you want. Booking wedding venues late can raise the expense significantly, and break your budget if you haven’t planned for this.

Make sure you have a support network. Your family and friends will probably be eager to help you with the wedding reception and ceremony. You don’t have to do all your planning alone. Be careful, however, not to let their enthusiasm allow them to take over. When it all comes down to it, this is your wedding, and you should be able to plan it the way you want to. Other helpful resources include webpages, online forums, and magazines as well as wedding professionals.

L Hayes is a wedding professional and owner of Wedding Favors Emporium. They carry an extensive line of unique

Many people, when asking a woman for a date, get the timing wrong. In other words, they ask her for date at a wrong time. This is the fastest way to lose women. In this article I will tell you which is the correct time to ask a woman for a date for the first time.

Let’s face the truth. When you meet a woman for the first time, chances are that you are not the only man who has found her attractive. I know it doesn’t sound too nice but the reality is that single women who are both young and sexually attractive often have a lot of men drooling over them. How can you make her your own? When you ask her for a date, don’t ask her to go out with you on a Friday or Saturday night. Because:

1. On a weekend, a single woman is likely to be very busy with her existing dates, so she may turn you down

2. The key to attract a woman is to make yourself difficult to acquire. If you ask a woman for a date on a weekend night then it means that you have no existing dates, which will make it difficult for you to get dates.

3. Since you both are new to each other, the woman is not sure whether you are really a guy whom she will find attractive. She probably has a lot of formal dates on a weekend, and if she wants to meet you, chances are that she will have to turn down her existing dates. Obviously she is not going to turn down her existing dates for you because she has no way to know what kind of a guy you are and whether she will enjoy your company or not.

On the other hand, if you ask a woman for date on a week day, she is more likely to comply because:

1. It is more likely to that in weeknights she has spare time for you. There is also no pressure on her during a week night, so chances are that you both will have an opportunity to learn more about each other.

2. It means that you have other existing dates during the weekend, which means that she will have to ‘fight’ in order to acquire you. Women love these kinds of challenges.

3. Her week night was most likely to be boring if it were not for you. In other words, you have changed a monotonous week night into a nice time for her; congratulations, now you have all her attention!

Do you know about the most important dating principle you need to learn before dating a woman?

Attracting and seducing sexy girls is not as hard as you think. I know of a few tactics that will help you attract women like magnet! To learn more about how to attract and seduce women, read my full article seduceyoungwomen.info/4-ways-to-attract-women-2.php 4 Ways To Attract Women: What You Must Know When Dating Women For The First Time! – Part II by going to:
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Most people take long time to forget they ex after they have been dumped. Some take months and other never get to recover; here are five reasons why you need to forget all that.

Mental heath.
Most people think that mental heath is for those who have mental disability, which is not true. It is like saying to have auto insurance is only good during in wintertime. Keep thinking about your ex when he/she is out of your life is to keep distracting your mind. Contrary to popular belief, one negative thought in your mind can destruct almost every other thing in your life. Your mind will be overwhelmed with so many thoughts that will reduce your mental capability.

Productivity.
Imagine your computer hard drive to be full of virus; will it perform its task well? I don’t think so. Keep thinking of your past relationships all the time will put more VIRUS in your brain and it will not be able produce better result. The ability to do your work properly will be reduced.

Bad motivation strategy
There are two kinds of motivation strategy, moving toward to and moving away from. Most successful people are motivated by the former, keep thinking about your ex is a bad motivation strategy it make you reinforcing bad memories and accumulating them in your mind. Instead, think about how you are going to make a good relationship and go for it.

Reducing your chances to get a new love
Like I said earlier, keeping thinking about past bad relationships will produce unhealthy mind .One thing that you need to understand is this we attract what we believe we can have. These beliefs are produced by our thoughts. Negative thoughts like thinking about your ex will not attract good experience in the future, like to meet a new lover. Start to think about your new relationship.

To be happy
Every time you have a good thought, your brain secrete chemicals know as Serotonin. The reactions of these chemicals produce state of mind. I’ll give you a little exercise to prove this concept. Relax and think of the last time you had a lot of fun. Remember every thing you did. If it was watching a movie, a comedy show or meeting your friends just any experience you can remember. Imagine it for about two minutes. Think of another experience that made you feel happy, do the same and enjoy it.

Are you feeling different?

Of course you are. You see, our mind is very useful tool for us to not only to control our metabolism or remembering things but we can use it to change how we feel. By thinking about our good experiences we force our brain to secrete chemicals that will produce good feelings, hence be happy.

Remember to forget your ex. That’s all for today, thanks for reading, bye.

Sincerely,
Timeo Busyanya,
Helping individuals, improve their self image

Copyright © 2006

This article is written by Timeo Busyanya.The author is committed to help individuals, improve their self image.
He provides a FREE e course at:
lonelyou.com lonelyou.com

Without a doubt online dating has become one of the most effective means of finding friends and lovers for many around the world. One reason, mainly due to the way most online datingmatchmaking service sites are set up, is because a person can view the profiles of several others together, at his or her leisure. Although there are advantages to this type of mate searching – and those are mostly for the searcher – there are also several disadvantages – and the biggest is against those being sought.

If you have your profile on one or more datingmatchmaking sites, you have serious competition! Your profile is one among many, and unless you have something that makes you uniquely different, and thus cause you to stand out from the rest, you could be easily overlooked. Of course, the more sites you have joined, the greater your odds of success finding that special someone. But you should remember, whoever that special someone is, he or she must still wade though hundreds – possibly thousands – of others to find you. Only the most vain (or exceptionally attractive) would believe that their special someone won’t pause and at least glance at the profiles of a few others while trekking toward them, especially if there are photos to look at. Unfortunately, quite a few have lost quite a number of special someones like this.

(A note to women: men are EXCEEDINGLY visual when it comes to checking out women, and whether you want to believe it or not and regardless of what the “experts” say, what a man sees comes before anything else. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, thoughtful, cheerful, fun-loving, brave, clean or reverent you may be, if you are a female seeking a male and you don’t include at least one decent photo of yourself with your profile, you’re almost guaranteeing yourself to be overlooked! Especially if you are buried within the company of many other females WHO HAVE included their pictures.)

So, the question is: is there a way to make yourself stand out, even if there is very little to nothing about you that is noteworthy?

Yes. Have your own personal web site.

No – I don’t mean a page on MySpace, or a video on YouTube. Doing that still places you amongst competition! Furthermore, you’re extremely limited to what you can do.

What I’m talking about is a separate, private site that you can send potential mates to view without the interference of others that are also vying for your visitor’s attention.

There are plenty of advantages to this. First there is the domain name. Having your own domain (especially if it is a your name dot com-like domain name – i.e. www.marysmith.com) means you are Internet savvy and can swing with the big boys. An added advantage is that it is yours to keep forever, as long as you keep it renewed. Look at it like this: if your name was Angelina Jolie Jackson or Tom Cruise Harris and you where able to snap up Angelinajolie.com or Tomcruise.com before they (or a crazy fan) did, how popular do you think your site would be? And there is nothing the celebrities with these names – or their lawyers – can do about it.

Even if your name is as common as Mary Smith or Joe Jones, you still have an advantage over all the other Mary Smiths and Joe Joneses out there in the world.

The second advantage is that with your own site, you have complete freedom of expression. Even someone with no or limited HTML experience (HTML is the language used to create web pages) can create an attractive site. All you would need is the right tools. I won’t go into details about that here, but just know this: if you really want to do it, you can!

The added benefit of having your own site is the space you’d have to present yourself in the greatest light. Instead of being tied down to one page of a few paragraphs about yourself (generally limited to height, weight, age, hobbies, and the type of person you’re looking for), you can really give a full picture of your personality, interests, aspirations, goals, etc. Instead of one or two simple pictures, you can place tons of family, vacation, work or even sexy photos of yourself. Depending on how much space your hosting provider gives you, you could have page after page of profile and photos, giving a potential mate the greatest overall depiction of the person you really are.

It should be said that one of the most popular and effective forms of personal site ownership are blogs. Although blogs limit creative site design somewhat, presenting oneself with possibly with an online journal in this manner may be the way to go.

As far as hosting providers go, there are free hosts and paid hosts. Free hosts, as the name implies, gives you web space for free. Of course, there is a catch. Most free hosts offer very, very limited space and bandwidth, and they place their own advertisements upon your pages. For some, this may be all right.

Paid hosts, as you probably figured out, removes the advertising catch and gives more space and bandwidth – in most cases more than the average person needs for a personal site. Some add other incentives to sign up with them, such as free domain registering and scripts for a guestbook and other add-ons.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not suggesting that you should remove yourself from the dating/matchmaking sites. They’re still an effective way to let yourself be known to the world of mate seekers. In the case of having your own web site, all you would need to do is place a link inside your profile to your site and a visitor – maybe that special someone you’ve been waiting for – would have access to the complete you!

In any dating situation, the “selling” of oneself is an essential part of the game. It does not matter if it is at a bar, on the street, in a café or restaurant, or online, the game is played the same. People must put their best foot forward and do it quickly, confidently and convincingly.

There is much more I could say about this, but I think you get the picture. Having your own site is a great way to enlarge and extend your online dating efforts. Give it a try.

Rob Stone is the Editor/Webmaster of the site iwant2lovesomebody.com I Want 2 Love Somebody, dedicated to helping serious seekers find that special someone – or keep forever the one they have found.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a psychological syndrome first recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 1980 (American Psychiatric Association).

The literature on traumatic anxiety covers a wide range of varying circumstances and experiences. The effects of these experiences, whether from natural disasters or events of human creation, war, terrorism or single acts of violence against one person are often determined by the individual’s capacity to cope with stress. This in turn is a function of each person’s early developmental experiences with trust, constancy and mastery. Traumatic abuse, sexual or otherwise, in the first years of human life not only effects the child in the moment, but has a more lasting effect on the ongoing development of the defense system itself.

Individual psychology believes that traumatic anxiety is most often seen as resulting when the ego is “overwhelmed or disorganized” with the defenses employed in the service of maintaining a sense of self-constancy and continuity. More specifically, the defense function acts to ward off a sense of discontinuity or void in one’s identity. Therefore, the trauma is considered an attack, real or potential, escalating the anxiety to terror as a consequence the protective rage is rendered unconscious and turned inward to depression and guilt, or outward to action discharge. This process is called into action to protect against these powerful threats to the integration of the self. It reminds one of the often-quoted words of Freud “that what makes us neurotic in adulthood is what we learned in childhood to stay alive.” The key is the breakdown in the growing psychic apparatus and its ability to provide stimulus barrier. Therefore, effecting a breach in the ego’s boundaries or protective shield.

These stimuli are experienced as overwhelming and producing a sense of helplessness, often leading to a sense of hopelessness. Clearly, the trauma can be psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual (most commonly, incest), often involving aspects of all four. In the case of incest what stands out – adding to the terror caused by the actual and potential attack, with its accompanying sense of helplessness – is the humiliation, shame, and feelings of degradation. Commonly, these feelings lead to an identification with the aggressor internalizing the sadistic and masochistic components (all rendered unconscious), resulting in intense guilt and self-blame. Perhaps the most crucial component of the trauma for survivors of sexual abuse is not only that it results from acts causing severe pain, suffering, humiliation and intimidation, but that it is inflicted by those deemed protectors. Another factor in this process is the strong demand from the instigators that the victim become part of a conspiracy of silence. This leads to further operations by the victim’s defense system in order “to stay alive,” primary among them being the defense of denial.

My interest in traumatic stress and anxiety began over two decades ago. At the time I was involved in a project working with Vietnam veterans addicted to various kinds of drugs. This project was designed to study the effect of psychotherapy as an adjunct to chemotherapy (methadone) on the addicted veterans. While working with this group, I noticed that many of the patients diagnosed with divergent kings of addictive disorders also exhibited symptoms of depression, anxiety, sadness, profound withdrawal, and brooding. Also, I observed that these veterans suffered severe mood swings, deep character change and survivior-guilt nightmares. At the core was always the overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness. In the past these symptoms were most often associated with survivors of overwhelming trauma such as the Holocaust during World War II in Europe and the nuclear bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan. It was clear that for the patients exhibiting symptoms such as those mentioned above, the abuse of drugs was part of an effort to self-medicate and ease the emotional pain. The drug abuse, then, was seen as a serious, yet secondary problem, whose goal was both to mask and alter those feelings of being powerless to change one’s intolerable emotional state. This same approach can be used to understand those individuals who survived early-life incest and sexual abuse.

However, there is a much more limited discussion as to how the wider understanding applies to adult survivors of early childhood incest experiences. Working with those suffering PTSD as a result of war experiences, we learned first to note the cluster of characteristic symptoms, and to see the connection between an overwhelming distressing and disorienting event, often beyond the normal range of human coping capacities, and the resultant later symptomatology. The stimuli producing these events were experienced with such an intense terror and helplessness notwithstanding all attempts to deny, internalize or act out, the traumatic event is relived as a series of intrusive recollections or as repetitious dreams and nightmares in which the trauma recurs. Though the symptomatology varies from person to person, it remains a number of common characteristics. Quite often there are dissociative disorders: fugue states, period of derealization, amnesias and trance state, lasting for a few moments, for several hours, and even for several days. Because of the extensive use of denial in most cases of sexual abuse, complete loss of memory of the abusive events are quite common. Of course, what is also quite common is that the individual becomes symptomatic (usually bouts of depression or intense free-floating anxiety), or given to explosive action discharge.

Another expression of the dissociative symptoms mentioned is found in the expression by incest survivors the feelings of depersonalization, feeling detached and estranged from others. Some survivors exhibit a need for a hypervigilance of their surroundings and talk of an exaggerated sensitivity to touch. Also commonly experienced is a kind of anhedonia, a loss of the experience of pleasure, an incapacity for happiness or to feel strong emotions, especially those associated with trust, intimacy, tenderness and sexuality. Still another affective disturbance commonly found in incest survivors and other sufferers of post-traumatic conditions is called alexithymia, it is characterized by poorly differentiated affects which inadequately serve the signal function. Sufferers often think in very pragmatic ways, almost robot-like, appearing super-adjusted to reality and quite stoical in appearance. In psychotherapy these individuals tend to recount trivial, chronologically ordered events of daily life in monotonous detail. They stifle imagination, intuition, empathy, fantasy, especially in relation to others. This phenomenon is seen from a psychoanalytic perspective as a group of developmental defenses against totally terrifying experiences of early life.

from a historical perspective, the disguised or hidden victims of incest and sexual abuse have long remained unrecognized or disbelieved. For many, in the mental health profession, the central nature of trauma in the development of psychopathology is indisputable. And, of the traumas in early childhood, the most damaging to the individual psyche is the trauma of incest. Its growing recognition in recent years has been a welcome turnaround from the earlier view that the individual’s memory of incest and sexual abuse was invariably the expression of an infantile wishful fantasy.

About The Author:

Dr Smith is a psychologist and personal consultant with over experience working with individuals and gruop. Dr. Smith works especially with Adult Children of Alcoholics, Survivors of sexual trauma including incest, rape, childhood sexual abuse. And individuals experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety and relationship problems.