All marriages have difficulties and marriage issues because life has difficulties and issues. The impact those difficulties have depends on the impact that the couple allows them to have. Some couples will fight and claw one another’s eyes out, others will ignore the issue and bury it, and still others will seek out professional help with various aspects of their marriage. Regardless of the choice of getting through marriage issues, they will always occur.

Many people fight it out when they have conflicts or marriage issues. For some couples, the best possible option is to yell and scream at the top of their lungs until the problem has been “shouted out”. This can be therapeutic if standards and boundaries are set.

If a conflict becomes physical, however, it will quickly turn dangerous for both parties and can serve as a “deal breaker” for the entire relationship. Physical conflict is something that should never occur under any circumstances. Divorce marriage is certainly an aspect to consider if physical conflicts begin to take place. Divorce marriage will quickly remove the participants from the situation and possibly save lives.

In other cases, couples choose to ignore the marriage issues and bury them. This generally unhealthy approach can lead to problems down the road, escalating the original conflict. One thing piles up on top of another and, before the participants are even aware of what is happening, there is an explosion of catastrophic impact.

For some reason, people seem to want to test the bonds of their relationships by keeping conflicts and issues hidden. Burying concerns in a marriage will certainly test the bonds, but they will inevitably bring about a breaking point as they grow and boil to the surface. Instead, they should be approached as they occur and a discussion should take place.

Other people will seek out marriage counseling help for their marriage issues. This is viewed differently by many couples. Some will view counseling as a last resort, while others will view it as a first call.

The idea behind marriage counseling is that a third party will hear the problems of the couple and be able to offer qualified objective advice. Many people put a high value on this type of help, but others find it to be redundant because the counselor does not “know” the couple.

Regardless of the type of conflict resolution used to help with marriage issues, they will rear their ugly head during the course of a marriage. There are many books and other materials that are designed to help couples with conflict resolution skills. Some may turn to therapy, while others ignore the issue. Still others shout the issue out until it is apparently drained from their systems.

The reality about issues in marriage is that they will occur, but the true challenge comes in the overcoming of these issues. If a couple is strong and open, the ability to conquer marriage issues will be present. If they hide issues, however, the ability to overcome the marriage issues may be weakened.

Over time, marriage issues will begin to represent the various ups and downs that all married people experience throughout their lives.

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You are reading the third installment in a series of four articles about rules of marriage. Each rule is designed to move a couple toward better relating and more harmony. If you have missed any in the series, you can find them at my blog (savethemarriage website).

Rule 3: Be Kind and Loving

This is a rule that definitely needs some clarification. I don’t mean that you have to have warm, gushy feelings toward your spouse at all times. That is not, unfortunately, possible. And I don’t mean you won’t act in unkind ways toward your spouse. That will happen from time-to-time.

At the same time, I have seen couples treat each other as if they were worst of enemies. There was no sense of “you and me, in this together.” Instead, there was a strong sense of “you versus me.” And with that comes the undermining of the marriage. A marriage is the decision by two people to come together and act as a unit, be a team, become one.

Yet we often find ourselves responding to spouses in ways that we would never dream about acting toward a friend. I almost named this rule “be civil,” because I have said that to so many couples. They will sit in my office and be nice toward me, then rude and unkind toward their spouse, and I would admonish them to “be civil.”

Being civil would be level one. The next level is to actually be kind and loving. Which raises the question “how can I be kind and act loving when I am angry? How can I pretend feel love when I don’t?”

That, in my mind, is a misunderstanding of what love is about. I use the word “love” as an action verb. Love is something I do, not something I feel. Actions are loving. This is, in fact, one of the major constructs of all the major religions: act lovingly toward those you don’t like. In other words, our major religions are noting the potential to act in loving ways toward even our enemies, much less those we love.

I place the action of love in a marriage into two categories. The first is kindness. That would be defined as acting in kind ways — not calling names, demeaning, insulting, or hurting. Instead, kindness would call for being supportive, caring, concerned.

Loving actions add another layer by asking “what does my spouse need from me in order to feel loved?” We all have a need for love, and by meeting our spouse’s needs, we secure the relationship.

The Golden Rule is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule of Love takes that one step further: “love others as they need to be loved.” What makes me feel loved does not make you feel loved, and vice versa. So we strive to act in loving ways, but in loving ways that make sense to the other person.

Unfortunately, our tendency, when we don’t feel loved, is to refuse to act lovingly. This creates a vicious cycle, and in the end, both feel unloved. Which leads to either acting on automatic or choosing our relationship destiny. On automatic, we run the vicious cycle.

But we can choose to act counter to that. We can choose to act lovingly, even if we do not feel loved at that moment. We choose to act in loving ways because the emotion is absent.

Here is the irony: when we do loving actions, we feel loving emotions. When we wait for the emotions to act lovingly, we get stalled. But by acting lovingly, we begin to nurture our own emotional state. Think back on how you fell in love. Sure, there was likely an initial attraction. But the love came because you did loving actions toward each other. Likely, you chose bigger and bigger actions to express your growing emotions. The emotion of love, put simply, is nurtured by the action of loving. The reverse is not true.

Thus, rule #3 is “be kind and act lovingly.” This puts us back into the driver’s seat of our relationship’s destiny. We take control back from our emotional state, and make a choice on the direction to take.

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Just when businesses and advertisers think they have women all figured out enters a new category with serious buying power: the single woman. It is projected that in 2005 single women will spend $400 million dollars which has the business world standing up and taking notice.

There use to be a time when single women were treated like outcasts and looked on with pity. Unmarried women were secretly called “spinsters” by friends and family if they were not wed by the time they hit 30. The tide is beginning to turn as single women send out the message that they can do for themselves.

Businesses as well as politicians are now checking in to see what makes single women tick. The census data shows that 40% of women between the ages of 25 to 29 are not married. While 23% of women in the 30 to 34 age rage are not married. One can only guess that the percent of single women over 30 will grow due to the fact that more women are stating that marriage is not of interest to them. The messages coming from single women are diverse from choosing the single life as the preferred lifestyle, choosing career over marriage first, to one person homeownership.

Single women are beginning to take the country by storm, even on the top hit show “Desperate Housewives” half of the characters are single. Advertising companies are beginning to get it when it comes appealing to the single woman. One commercial has two women who are sitting down after a wedding doing a high five for having “not” caught the bridal bouquet. This message says that businesses are seeing that single women are a viable market. That is girl power that is about to be in full effect.

About The Author

Yolanda Shoshana (Shoshi) is a life strategist, speaker, consultant and artist. Shoshi founded, The Lily-Rose Company, a life strategy communications company for women that uses multidisciplinary avenues to help women master their lives. In 2005, Shoshi will launch the Center of Female Empowerment(sm), which will be an innovative learning center for women. To learn more about The Lily-Rose Company ( yolandashoshana.com” target=”_new www.yolandashoshana.com) or to get a free consultation send an email to mailto:shoshi@yolandashoshana.com shoshi@yolandashoshana.com.

You can dress how you want, and have your hair how you want but you must have online dating etiquette the moment your fingers touch the keyboard. This is the point where the single on the other end will feel part of the reel you. This is where everything you type will be scrutinized as everything naturally is at an online dating service.

So first and foremost you have to be honest from the moment you create your profile. Any little white lies or completely made up stories will get found out eventually. At that point your creditability will go along with your current online date. Singles chat to each other in chat rooms, on message boards and give information in blogs. You don’t want to end up as one of their topics. Honesty is attractive no matter how you look at your keyboard.

When you first contact someone, say hello with an e-mail. Lots of online dating services have smiles or flirts but you can’t beat a personal message. You can mention parts of their profile that have caught your attention, and it shows them that you have actually read their profile.

Everyone is inquisitive when they start conversing with someone online but that doesn’t mean you should continually ask questions. Don’t give other singles a reason to be put off. You need to just let the questions flow with the conversation. Weave them in naturally. If they bring something up that can lead into a question then ask it. Also give some information about yourself as well then other singles will be more willing to let their guard down a bit.

Become a good listener. Most people like talking about themselves, and this can lead into you asking a few questions that they will be willing to answer. Plus this shows that you’re paying attention, and that can only be in your favor.

Never ask questions or make statements that will put your date on the defensive. Subjects like politics and religion should be left alone for quite a while. Leave these topics of conversation till you know someone very well or even wait until you have met them offline.

Leave all capital letters and abbreviated sentences out of the conversation. When you use capitals it’s a form of shouting online, and abbreviated sentences become hard to decipher and annoying. You will probably get a way with the odd smiley so they know when you’re joking but don’t over do it. Remember this is someone you are trying to impress, and maybe one day have a lasting relationship with. Presentation is everything especially when attracting a partner.

Do not come across as eager or desperate. Never push someone into doing anything they don’t want to do. You have to respect anyone’s wishes on the speed in which they want to get to know you. If you find you’re in need of changing the way anyone thinks or acts it’s probably not going to work anyway.

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