Co-dependency refers to an obsessive need for affection, attention and affirmation.

Co-dependent people get easily drawn into the pain and problems of others, feel responsible to help people solve their problems while ignoring their own, look outside themselves for meaning, identity and value, say yes when they mean no and tend to blame others for their own unhappiness, failures and frustrations.

Co-dependency is as much a cultural as a personal phenomenon.

Through childhood and adolescence, movies and hit parades feed us co-dependent relationship ideals as romantic love, Christian ideals as service and care for others, cultural ideals as being a good mother, a caring wife or just a “good” person that cares for other people’s needs more than for one’s own.

If you as a woman wonder about the difference between being ‘good’ or co-dependent check the degree of involvement and the amount of pain you feel. Ask yourself:

* Do I always “have to do something” to help my partner?

* Do I feel burdened by the problems of my partner?

* Would I like to leave him and yet I do not dare to?

*Am I holding on to my partner even if he has repeated affairs or abandons me while “working at the office”?

Most people fall into a continuum of co-dependency.

If you are still wondering, keep checking:

* Do I feel responsible to help people solve their problems while ignoring my own?

* Do I look outside myself for meaning, identity and value?

* Do I say yes when I mean no?

* Do I tend to blame others for my unhappiness, failures and frustrations?

If you answer ‘yes’ to most of those questions, co-dependency is an issue.

Co-dependency happens in relationships

Codependent relationships are predominantly the domain of women who are engaging in personal relationships with someone who needs help and support. They offer themselves as ‘helpers’ and ’saviours’ and turn into angry persecutors if their attempt to save the ‘other’ fails, which is usually the case.

This dynamic in co-dependent relationships has been described as the drama triangle being played by two people who change the roles of victim, saviour and persecutor.

The term co-dependent relationship was traditionally used for an alcoholic and his or her partner but has lately been applied to a broad range of people who need help such as drug users, criminals, sex addicts, mentally ill, physically ill, and even workaholics who need someone to support them while they “do their thing.”

Co-dependency is the result of frustrated needs in childhood

Basic needs like being nurtured, protected and appreciated were neglected, boundaries invaded through abuse, self-expression discouraged or punished. This neglect of primal needs then become the obsession of the adult who longs for their fulfilment in every close relationship.

The deep need to be saved from the inner loneliness and emptiness is projected on to another person, usually an addict in an attempt to save ‘him’. Needless to say, that her attempt to save the ‘helpless him’ or to endlessly support the ‘busy important ones’ is prone to fail which then increases her frustration, anger, disappointment, guilt and low self worth.

Do you recognise any of this? Do you feel a deep need to be saved from inner loneliness and emptiness?

This deep need can turn into a desperate, needy search for a romance that makes you vulnerable for being used by people. This neediness will draw partners into your life that want to have their needs fulfilled and will have little concern for your feelings or needs.

You may also find yourself projecting this need on to another person, usually an addict in an attempt to save ‘him’. Saving ‘him’ will not solve your problem. In the opposite: If you stay long enough in an unfulfilling relationship you become accustomed to unhappy situations, which then again will make you an easy target for being used.

How can you break this vicious cycle and overcome co-dependency?

First, make your needs and interests your priority. What do you need to do to be good to yourself, to love yourself, to appreciate the good things in you and in your life?

Start to take stock in the people you have surrounded yourself with. Are they as concerned with your needs and feelings as you are with theirs? You may need to detach yourself from some of these people, maybe even your partnership at least until you have taken time to start taking care of yourself.

Learn to say No when you mean No. Practice setting up boundaries that are firm and flexible. Saying No can be as easy as just not answering the phone.

Romance, alcohol, drugs and sex are not appropriate tools for overcoming co-dependency or filling your inner emptiness. Instead, focus on enjoying the single life, as you develop a wide variety of interests and activities, meet people, and make new friends. With interests, activities and a good network of friends and acquaintances, the inner emptiness and the painful longing will cease.

If you feel at home and in peace with yourself, chances are much higher that you will draw a partner to yourself with whom you can create and enjoy a mutually supportive and fulfilling relationship.

If you feel you need support to move beyond co-dependency, I offer a free course on how to create healthy relationships or distance courses on Selfgrowth, love and relationships where I shift the energetic patterns that hold co-dependency in place.

Dr. Ulla Sebastian is a well-known author, trainer and psychotherapist. Her work spans a wide range of themes for professional and personal growth and is the result of forty years of research, work with thousands of people from all over the world and a lifelong experience of selfgrowth and transformation. Visit her website visioform.com visioform.com for free courses, distance courses, ebooks, books and articles.

Hey ladies – ever been dumped, had your heart broken or other wise been tramped upon by a man? Of course you have – we all have. And we are ALL looking for something just a little bit better (ok, maybe a WHOLE LOT better!) than what we just left. But how can we keep history from repeating itself? How can we start meeting quality men, and then after meeting them, hook them and reel them in for the trophy shot? Well, I have some tips to share with you on that, so put your ears on….

Tired of the Bars and Clubs scene to meet the guys? Me too. So let’s expand our view for a moment and think outside the box. Here are some great places to meet guys that do not include loud obnoxious drunks, broken ear drums, and the typical pawing Charlie.

1. Co-Ed sports leagues and fitness clubs! Guys love sports, we know that, and they will totally dig a chick that loves sports too. Or better yet – how about a part time JOB at the local club?
2. Shoot pool! (Ok, this may include the obnoxious drunk, so be prepared)
3. Laundromats! Do your laundry on a Friday night or Saturday, it’s a great ice-breaker, and remember, no granny- panties!
4. Go back to school! Check out the classes that the GUYS usually take like engineering, auto mechanics, etc. If you don’t want to join, volunteer to be a class aid.
5. Get a dog and start walking in the park – and bring a Frisbee!
6. Go online! There are all kinds of places you can get a free profile (check out wheretogetthescoop.com for 10 online dating sites that offer free profiles)
7. Crash a wedding
8. Go to graduations at the local college
9. Attend sporting events and football parties at BW3s or your local sports club (goes along w/#1)
10. Home Depot or your local Lowes – troll the isles, pretend to need help, or attend a free class on how to tile your bathroom floor!

Ok – so you have met him (finally, right?). Now what? Here is where most of us
seem to need the help. One of the most important things a woman can do in a relationship to end it right then and there is to “lose her cool”. And I am not talking about just flipping out and telling him what a worthless turd he is for forgetting your anniversary. I mean the “needy Nancy” and the “paranoid Patty” and the “Longing Lucy” or “Clingy Caroline”. Let’s go over just a couple tips.

Guys want someone who is cucumber cool when they want cool, and tamale hot when they want it hot. The trick is knowing which one they want at which time, right? Exactly. One of the keys to this is following his cues and his body language, and making sure that he understands what you are wanting, looking for and needing, and that YOU understand the same from him. Never – ever – assume that just because you think you have a relationship, that you do. Let’s face it ladies, guys are clueless and we need to accept this. Follow his cues and understand his needs, and give him the space he needs when he needs it. But make sure that YOU get space too, even if you don’t think you need it! 

Next – (you’ll like this one) do NOT give him everything he wants!! Don’t be a pushover! And by this I do not mean to try to run the relationship like a Nazi. I just mean to – be unavailable sometimes, hold that proverbial “carrot” out there over his head just a little out of reach. If you start out giving him everything he wants, you will have to either a) keep it up or b) end it at some point and he will wonder where his wonderful little slave went. Don’t start it!

Ok, that being said, there is a lot more advice out there for women that is geared specifically toward women. Women need dating advice! There is a guy out there named Christian Carter who has developed and entire program based specifically on dating advice for women, as well as relationship advice once you are in it. Christian Carter offers free newsletters, too, so you do not have to pay for some killer dating advice.

YouCanGetTheGuy.com www.YouCanGetTheGuy.com.

As you know by now, guys worry too much about their looks and think they can’t attract women because of them. What they don’t realize is personality and chemistry is more important then physical characteristics.

On the other hand, if you don’t have good looks, you should still work at creating a unique appearance. While women don’t place high value on physical characteristics, she’ll be attracted if you demonstrate an interesting look.

What do I mean by this?

Well no matter what you look like, you can increase your success with women by creating a unique look. For instance, Neil Strauss (or Style), the renowned pick-up artist who wrote the book- The Game, was able to create an interesting appearance which attracts women.

A few years ago, Style was a self-proclaimed short, skinny guy with a large nose. But with the help of one of his friends, he was able to transform himself into a stylish person with a shaved head and unique facial hair.

In essence, Style was able to go from an average looking guy into somebody with a unique look. This helped improve his confidence with women and led to more successful interactions with them.

You can do the same!

No matter what you look like, you can go deep inside and find a look that’ll drive women crazy!

Whether it’s a unique way you dress or a change to your physical characteristics, there is probably something about your appearance which can be improved. A simple way to do this is ask your female friends for advice or spend some money and go to a stylist who can help you out.

By taking the time to work on your appearance and create a unique look, you’ll improve your confidence and will become more attractive to women.

Want to learn 50 different ways to chickmagnet101.com/meet-women126.html meet, approach and attract women? If so, take a look at Scott Patterson’s chickmagnet101.com/meet-women126.html Free eBook which provides 50 tips for approaching, attracting, and dating ANY woman.

‘There’s Something About Mary’ set a new benchmark for humor in the movies. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t seen the film, and of course remembers the most famous scene. Ben Stiller’s character, Ted, masturbates just before going on a date with Mary, played by Cameron Diaz. She enters the room moments after he comes and mistakes the ejaculate for hair gel.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. There is something more important, and that is the reason why Ted is encouraged by his friend Dom to masturbate before the date. ‘Don’t go out with a loaded gun’ he advises.

Dom’s reasoning is that women like men to be more like women, and not to be thinking about sex on a date. And when is the time that a man isn’t thinking about sex? Just after he ejaculates of course. So Ted does exactly that and the rest is cinematic history. And of course Ted eventually does get the girl.

But is that right? Do women really want a man to be more like a woman? And does that apply just to dating, or all the time?

In fact, there couldn’t be anything more untrue. When I first started dating again after a ten-year relationship, I didn’t have much of a clue what to do.

So I would go out with a woman and talk to her for a couple of hours. I’d talk about anything, and the conversation always seemed to flow. (All you have to do to allow the conversation to flow is let the woman do most of the talking!)

But I could never get beyond the first date. Eventually I determined that there is a clear reason for this.

Women date for sex.
Surprising? Perhaps. What you need to remember is that men are very literal. Our thoughts correspond to our physical needs and desires. When talking with other men we say what we think. So if you are out with a male buddy and you see an attractive woman, you will probably comment about her in distinctly sexual terms.

Women don’t do that, not even with other women. For women, sex is an ‘undercurrent’. Just like in a river or the sea, undercurrents can be strong, and perhaps overwhelming. And that’s how it is with women. Sex is there all the time, but they don’t talk about it openly. Not until the moment comes when the undercurrent takes hold of a women and she is carried along by its irresistible flow.

So although you won’t talk about sex on a date, there has to be an undercurrent going on. If the conversation is completely sexless, then she won’t perceive you as a sexual person. You will become at best a friend.

But if you can’t talk openly about sex, how can you create and maintain an undercurrent of sex?
Well there are certain ways you can talk about sex with a woman. You can talk about the differences between men and women in the way they are attracted to each other. You can even ask your date whether she has noticed any hot men in the bar. (If she asks you if you have noticed any hot women, you look around carefully and answer, ‘Just you!’ Hold her gaze when you say that and the evening should go very well indeed!)

You can use innuendo. So that every so often, what you say could be interpreted in a sexual way. But you put it in such terms that she would have to admit to being the one with the ‘dirty mind’ to give your words a sexual meaning.

You have to be careful with innuendo though. Women respond differently. Some can take quite a lot and enjoy it. Others can take offense quite easily, so play very carefully and start subtly.

When you get into the second half of the date, your conversation should at all times be what I describe as ‘above the horizon’, as I explain on page 158 of my e-book, ‘

Ever Google an old boyfriend?

Everybody does it, and most of the time it’s harmless. You’re sitting at your computer, and old what’s-his-name pops into your head. You wonder what he’s up to and type his name into Google. Sometimes you find out. Sometimes you don’t.

But Googling an old boyfriend (the one who got away, for example) can become dangerous, especially if it becomes an obsession. It’s one thing to find out, say, that he’s recently been promoted to Executive VP at Trump International, or to briefly check out his kid’s Communion photos on his family website. It’s quite another if you find yourself hitting his website day after day, or Googling him continually in the hopes of scratching up fresh information.

One woman told me she’s gone even further. “I’m computer savvy and can get information on anyone,” she said. She’s a young, beautiful, and obviously intelligent person who’s digging up information on a guy she once worked with and his current girlfriend. She pored over photos of the girlfriend, comparing herself to her, before figuring out a way to delete the pictures from the guy’s website. She also managed to hack into his friend’s email accounts and reads their messages to further keep tabs on him.

There’s a name for this behavior. It’s called “cyberstalking.” Here’s the sad thing: If the guy were to ever find out what this woman is up to, he’d lose respect for her. The discovery would annihilate the slim chance she’d ever win him. And he might even be sufficiently creeped out to notify the police.

Google doesn’t have to be a woman’s downfall if she uses it wisely. It’s fun to Google an old boyfriend, even if the relationship ended badly and you never want to lay eyes on him again. It’s also a good way to learn how to contact a guy you once liked for another shot at romance. It’s possible you’ll find out he’s single and available. If you do, email the guy once, casually, and briefly. Wait for him to respond.

If he does, great. If he doesn’t, forget him.

Take the hint. Cease Googling him immediately and never send him another email—ever! He is clearly not meant for you. Understand that this could be a very good thing; too many women are trapped in relationships with the wrong guy, and somebody upstairs may be looking out for you.

Here’s a tip: If you find yourself typing a guy’s name into a search engine more than once a week, you may be becoming obsessed. Stop yourself while you still can.

Cyberstalking is dangerous. It’s also highly unattractive.

Put yourself in the other person’s place: How would you feel if you found out a guy was repeatedly Googling you? If you found out he was hitting your website after breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Hacking into your friends’ email accounts?

Would that turn you on or off?

Behave accordingly.

Terry MacDonald is the happily married author of “How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.” Sign up for free dating tips at marrysmart.com marrysmart.com . Check out her blog at happygirlmusing.blogspot.com happygirlmusing.blogspot.com

You’re getting married in Maine! You have the ring now your next step is to find that perfect location to hold your big party and reception. We have put together an archive of many popular reception halls that have a perfect setting for any price range from all over the state of Maine including the Augusta areas. Couples in need of a reception site for their Maine wedding are encouraged to review and contact these professionals who feature Maine Reception Sites for Weddings.

Sennebec Lake Campground
On a Lake…In the Mountains…Near the Sea Get married on the beach or high on the hill overlooking the lake. Your wedding reception can be held outside on the beach or in the Loon Lodge overlooking beautiful Sennebec Lake. We take care of everything for a beautiful stressfree day. Appleton, ME 207-785-4250

Club House Restaurant & Lounge
A relaxed atmosphere without the frills, though they can be brought in. Wood paneled room, large dance floor a stage for musicians, Comfortable seating for up to 200. We can help arrange from the flowers to the band and the officiant and everything in between. Rangeley, ME 207-864-9955

The Retreat at French’s Point
A historic setting for exceptional gatherings…on the shores of Penobscot Bay. Simple Elegance. Scenic indoor and outdoor venues. Fully personalized affairs for up to 300 guests. Stockton Springs, ME 207-567-3650

Kingsley Pines
Experience the Beauty of Kingsley Pines. Weddings, Conferences, Events and Special Occasions. Expansive Lakefront Facility with Private Cabins. Full Coordination and Event Management. Let Us Do The Work! Available June, September & October. Raymond, ME 800-480-1533

The Gathering Place at Maple Hill Farm
Fabulous country farm location attached to 8-room bed and breakfast with room for 125 indoors, plus up to 250 including an attached heated tent. Full custom food and beverage service. Augusta, ME 207-622-2708

Verrillo’s Convention Center
Wedding receptions for 50 to 400 people, we offer full service or buffet dinners. Prices start at $16.95 per person. We cater at our beautiful location or we can even come to yours. Portland, ME 207-775-6536

We hope you will find among this elegant collection of Maine area reception sites, a reception hall, banquet facility or wedding site that will fit your style and taste. Next step… your wedding dress and don’t forget your favors!

Ashley Rader is the owner of Moments of Elegance, an online wedding boutique specializing in momentsofelegance.com/catalog/beach-wedding-favors-c-51.html nautical wedding favors, momentsofelegance.com/catalog/bath-wedding-favors-c-66.html soap wedding favors and a huge collection of momentsofelegance.com/catalog/freeze-dried-rose-petals-c-94.html freeze dried rose petals that will say thank you with style. Event planners can receive 10% off their order with coupon code: saveonfavors10.

Very few people would argue with the fact that creating successful relationships is often one of the biggest challenges we face as human beings. The strange thing is that life can become even more challenging when they end. But is it really necessary to break down when you break up?

Below are three simple ideas that will help guide you to re-build your life on your own.

1. Become firmly grounded in the present moment.

If you find yourself on the other side of a relationship, it is important that you have a deep awareness of what you are feeling in the present moment. Continually check in with yourself. Notice what is going on with you if you are experiencing emotional upset. Your body is always in the present, but where is your mind?

It may be very tempting for you to delve into your past replaying events over and over again in your head. The reality is, you can’t change your past, so trying to do so is futile. Just accept everything as it is. Find peace around the thought that both of you were operating to the best of your ability, given the circumstances, at any moment in time.

Equally futile is casting your mind into the future, wondering what life could have, would have, should have been like had you stayed with your partner. The truth is that your future is going to look somewhat different to what you may have previously anticipated. Do your best to accept it.

If you manage to stay in the present moment, most of the pain you will experience will be growing pains. You are transforming from one state of being to another. It’s not going to be easy. Whether your new state of being is a good one largely comes down to the choices you make. If you take responsibility for where you are right now you will slowly begin to see you life unfold as it should.

2. Breaking up with someone is a creative as well as a destructive process.

It was Pablo Picasso that stated that ‘every act of creation is necessarily an act of destruction’.

Whether you like it or not, breaking up with girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife is a creative process as much as it is a destructive process. What you are in fact doing is deconstructing your life with your partner and re-creating your life where your partner takes on a different role to the one they had previously. In extreme cases, you may even decide that your partner will have no future role in your life.

This creative process can be turbulent and it can also be profoundly enjoyable and exciting. What you have is an opportunity to start over. If it feels right for you, completely immerse yourself into the creative process. Take the opportunity to try as many new things as you possibly can. You may well astound yourself with what you are capable of doing on your own.

3. Allow yourself to regenerate.

If you are going through a break up allow yourself plenty of time to regenerate. Focus on the things that you can control. Make sure that you exercise regularly, eat properly and get plenty of rest. Read, spend time with family and close friends and spend plenty of time in nature.

Take things slowly, look after yourself and create the time and space in your life necessary to allow yourself to start growing again.

Remember two things.

However you choose to adapt to this change process, it is of critical importance that you remember two things;

i) be kind to yourself and
ii) be kind to your ex-partner.

Whether your break-up was hard fought or amicable, extending compassion to your old friend will help you both immensely in the healing process. Remember that you are both beautifully human, doing the best you can to navigate through this world.

Copyright Damien Senn 2005. All rights reserved.

Damien Senn is a Life and Business Coach as well as a fully qualified Chartered Accountant. He helps people create compelling futures.

He is the author of the ‘Senn-Sational Success Journal’ and has developed his own coaching model called the ‘Senn-Sational Success System’.

For your free download ‘101 things to do before you die’ please click the following link:

senn-sational.com/freeresources.htm senn-sational.com/freeresources.htm

It’s a well known and much debated economic principle that “the rich get richer”. When it comes to finances, the rule tends to be that those who already have a certain level of financial liquidity tend to find it tons easier to make even more money. Given that financial institutions and investment houses everywhere are happy to have people with gobs of cash store it on their premises in return for some level of interest compensation, it’s easy to see why all of this is sort of, well…true.

As the saying goes, “It takes money to make money”. Or at least it’s a whole lot easier when that’s the case.

And guess what? The exact same principle holds true when it comes to dating and attraction. People who already have lots of MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) in their lives keep on attracting more.

Now obviously, there’s no “First Bank Of Wildly Successful Dating” to invest in. So figuring out why the “rich get richer” in our field of interest is going to take a different train of thought. Here are the Big Three reasons why I think things are the way they are:

1) Confidence Attracts

Once a person has seen some success in attracting MOTOS, then he or she rapidly becomes very comfortable in the notion that he or she TRULY IS attractive. This kind of swagger naturally manufactures that elusive brand of confidence that men and women alike think is irresistible. I mean, once you have actually succeeded at something, there’s no use in continuing to doubt your capabilities, right?

2) Options Attract

Every good sales professional knows that people buy on the approval of others. If everyone else seems to be snapping up a commodity of some sort, then it must be good stuff (at least theoretically). If MOTOS are attracted to you, then other MOTOS will see that as a green light to join the crowd.

3) The Less Significant The Risk, The More Risk We Can Tolerate

The financial analogies just keep on rolling, don’t they? Well, they keep on making perfect sense in context so why not? Savvy investors have an eagle eye for high returns with minimal risk. In the dating world, if a man or woman already has, say, six or seven MOTOS on his or her “radar screen”, he or she may not even care to add any more…unless of course someone comes along who raises the bar. Considering that in such a case one’s entire social life does not hang in the proverbial balance if a prospective date happens to prove uninterested (or uninteresting), a person with a lot of dates already is relatively unaffected socially OR emotionally should an approach not pan out. After all, there’s already enough “social proof” to go around already when one’s Black Book has lots of entries.

Somebody said, “Yeah, yeah McKay. So how do I get there?”

Just like creating wealth out of poverty in the financial world is NOT easy, there is no “magic potion” for wealth creation in the dating world either. But I do have a fascinating concept for you, that if put into practice just might get you on the road to Wild Success.

Back when I was a sales manager for an IT company, I offered my teams something I called “Millionaire Training”. Essentially, the trick to BECOMING a millionaire on paper is to become one IN YOUR MIND first. And how exactly do millionaires carry themselves? Well, first of all money is no option. “Financial freedom” means not worrying about making ends meet. A true millionaire is not focused on money. He or she is FREE from that. So a MILLIONAIRE sales person isn’t concerned about commission checks. He or she is focused on the customer, doing the job because he or she WANTS to be there. Second, millionaires have NOTHING TO PROVE. Having already achieved great success, they have no need to flaunt their “money” to people. Finally, millionaires understand their fortune and are GRACIOUS to those who are not exactly millionaires themselves just yet.

Most who are TRULY successful financially are particularly charismatic people. After all, the traits outlined in the previous paragraph are INTENSELY attractive. And every single one of these traits translates EXACTLY into how a man or woman who creates WILD ATTRACTION conducts him or herself.

Think about it.

“Dating Millionaires” are not focused on “getting someone”-especially sexually. They lead satisfied lives, and focus on masculinity or femininity instead of a biological sex act. Similarly, they are never NEEDY or CLINGY. Why? They’ve been FED. They aren’t hungry. Finally, people who “get richer” in the dating world are never rude or pushy with anyone. Knowing their intrinsic worth, they conduct themselves with a regal dignity and afford others the same respect.

Does your frame of mind line up with that of a “Dating Millionaire”? If not, what would happen in your life if you visualized belief in your ability to get there? How would your approach to life change?

Scot McKay’s dating strategies for those who refuse to settle for anything less than the ULTIMATE relationship are found at: relationship-advice.us/ relationship-advice.us/. Stop by right now and grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with unique and practical dating tips.

Ask the question “what makes for a good marriage?” and you’re likely to get as many answers as there are ice cream flavors. It’s a very subjective topic and those who have good marriages will rattle off the ingredients that they believe have made their union happy and successful; on the other hand, those who are trapped in bad marriages will rattle off ingredients that they WISHED they had.

Sometimes you don’t need words to describe what makes for a good marriage. Actions speak louder than words and unless the husband and wife used to be theatrical actors, you could tell, just by sheer gut instinct, if the marriage is happy or not.

A prerequisite for a solid marriage is happiness. Needless to say, if the union isn’t happy, the marriage will be iffy at best. Rocky. Tense. But happiness is such an abstract term. What makes one couple happy may make another couple miserable.

Remember success guru Jack Canfield? He was the co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul – that famous running bestseller. Don’t worry, we’re not going to recommend that you make chicken soup a staple in your diet to have a good marriage. We don’t claim to be experts at quackery. Chicken soup, humbug!

Actually, Jack Canfield wrote another book called The Success Principles (2005) and in the chapter on human relationships, he cites the words of Dan Sullivan, co-founder and president of The Strategic Coach, Inc: “In every society, there are ‘human benchmarks’ – certain individuals whose behavior becomes a model for everyone else – shining examples that others admire and emulate. We call these individuals ‘class acts.’

What Makes for a Good Marriage? – A Series of Class Acts

According to Jack Canfield, Sullivan describes the qualities of a class act that can serve as a guide not only in different areas of your professional life but in your own marriage as well. Given that these class acts always involve human relationships, making our marriages happy and not short of honesty and integrity would depend on –

• Living by our highest standards – this needs no explanation. The higest standards of conduct are found in the marriage vows we recited in front of hundreds of witnesses. Loyalty and fidelity are commodities not to be taken lightly. They form the foundation of a good marriage. Just because you go through a boring phase in your relationship doesn’t mean you can go around and carry on extra-marital affairs

• Maintaining dignity and grace under pressure – marriage is not a walk in the park – not by a long shot. There will be problems, the traditional ups and downs, arguments over the most domestic of domestic issues. This can add to the pressure of the union. If we can deal with emotional chaos intelligently we become a class act. One partner has to remain calm to give the other person hope that things will be all right. As this complementary role becomes a habit, it is easier to do in the later years.

• Focusing and improving the behavior of the other – by being a role model, your spouse will naturally follow your example and as Canfield says, your spouse will begin acting at a level that surprises both themselves and others.

• Operating from a larger, inclusive perspective – it’s not the credit card bill or the utility bill that is the culprit. Bills are just the outcomes of lifestyles. If one spouse is a big spender and the other is not, this is good reason for some dialoguing. Our spouses have certain traits that repeatedly annoy us. Instead of walking away in frustration, we take on a class act and open the door of opportunity for some honest communication.

• Increasing the quality of every experience – a class act is said to have occurred when husbands and wives have the ability to transform insignificant situations into enjoyable, stimulating and memorable ones. It’s the “stirring the oatmeal” principle all over again. We make the effort to find delight in the ordinariness of life – it’s the only way we learn to appreciate what we have instead of trying to emulate the exciting lifestyles of others.

• Avoiding meanness, pettiness and vulgarity – the saying “familiarity breeds contempt” is best illustrated in a marriage. As we get to know our partners more, we are sometimes tempted to belittle them, forgetting that feelings are fragile, and the wrong words could leave a permanent sting. Class acts have no room for pettiness or vulgarity.

What Makes for a Good Marriage – Back to Basics

We often find enchantment in new concepts and fanciful words coined by marriage counselors and psychologists. The arena of marriage is brimming with advice and tips and how-to manuals. Yet, the answer to the question of what makes for a good marriage is often the old-fashioned one, the true and tested. By going back to the basics, we realize that men and women simply need to reinforce their commitment to each other through little gestures that count.

Ingredients for a good marriage run the slew of having a good humor, maintaining ties with the community, mutual encouragement, consistent planning for the future, and a natural curiosity in life. It is true that children and bills could make us somewhat jaded, but if we put that all aside and look to the future with enthusiasm, we turn into pillars of a good marriage.

It may sound awfully corny if we said that we’d have more good marriages than bad if couples loved more, shared more, and communicated more. These are the old fashioned paradigms that we should live by. Bringing out the best in our spouse is a sure recipe for a successful marriage. One spouse cannot overdo the other. The euphoria of accomplishment must be equally shared and not suffocate the other.

Husband: Jill has always been an ambitious person, anxious to learn new things and explore the world. When we got married I told her I wouldn’t stand in the way of her aspirations and that I would support her wholeheartedly. I have allowed her to grow and develop on her own, and because she has this freedom, she doesn’t encroach in my own playing field. We do our own thing and at the end of the day we come home and talk about how our day went. I guess not having children helped me to keep that promise of non-interference.

Wife: Lawrence has not once made a disparaging remark about my hobbies and undertakings. We’ve found a comfortable zone where we each could grow and develop. I mind my business, he minds his. I didn’t think I could have such an easy, low maintenance relationship with Lawrence. Through our hands-off policy in our own hopes and dreams, we’ve in fact strengthened our marriage hands on!

If you’re really curious about what makes for a good marriage, don’t conduct a survey; instead look around you and smell the coffee. Watch out for that sparkle in their eyes when they’re with you. Observe how they play with each other’s ear, and monitor their spontaneity when they’re in the company of others.
Are their smiles pregnant with meaning? Do they laugh at each other’s jokes? Do you notice how much admiration for the other goes around?

David Beart runs professorshouse.com professorshouse.com This family website covers professorshouse.com/family/relationships/relationships-marriage.aspx marriage, family, cooking and other household issues.

Though eloping is much cheaper and more hassle-free, it lacks the trimmings that make traditional weddings memorable. So, whether you’re getting married for the first time or celebrating your golden wedding anniversary, here are some tips for a truly orderly and beautiful occasion.

1. Prepare at least six months ahead of time. Not only are you able to secure the reception locations (hotels and churches) you want, this gives you time to save money in case you and your spouse-to-be are footing the bill. Your favorite priest or minister must also be informed early.

2. Make a budget. How much are you or your family willing to spend for the wedding? Whatever your resources, it’s just a question of fitting in everyone and everything into it. Call for the prices of hotels, food, cakes, music, flowers, photography and video services, gowns and tuxedos (for the wedding attendants) and the honeymoon. Add up the prices for a ballpark estimate of the final cost. If it’s beyond your budget, then start whittling down your guest list, the number of wedding attendants and other accoutrements.

3. Choose wedding participants who are dependable. You don’t want a ring-bearer who can hardly walk yet, or a bridesmaid who has gained 100 pounds since the bridal fittings and will not fit into the gown you just ordered! What about a niece who is in charge of the seating arrangements but doesn’t show up until dinner’s over? Such things can irritate everyone during the ceremony.

4. Fittings and practices are a must. Better to risk that old superstition about fitting your own gown bringing bad luck than to walk down the aisle with your dress falling off your shoulders or cutting off your circulation. Similarly, rehearsals for the wedding entourage are necessary so that each member knows what he or she is expected to do throughout the whole ceremony. The choir, especially if they are all children, should also be rehearsed. This sort of preparation gives you an overall sense of how the ceremony will go.

5. You and your future spouse can have special readings for the ceremony. Find out each other’s favorite passages and have relatives or friends with clear voices deliver them. Registering your wedding in department stores and choosing wedding favors are also activities that both of you should do.

6. Go to several make-up artists and hair stylists before choosing one. Try different hair styles and make-up. See which one makes you look absolutely beautiful.

7. Have your wedding photos taken before the wedding ceremony takes place. These pictures will look more candid and natural because your hair is still intact, your lipstick not smeared and you don’t have hundreds of other eyes staring at you.

8. Type out a schedule for important members of your wedding party, jotting down the following information: dates to remember (rehearsal dates, bridal showers, fittings, etc.), roles and responsibilities of each one before and during the wedding and timing sequence.

9. While it is normal to get excited and stressed out, drop everything on the eve of the wedding and have a good night’s sleep. If the wedding planning isn’t done by then, there is nothing you can do about it. You must look fresh on your wedding day. No bags around the eyes. It’s not a time to cry, either!

10. Send “Thank you” notes or small favors to everyone who helped make your wedding a very special day. Don’t forget your parents. They need to be reminded that they haven’t lost a child, they’ve gained another one (and maybe grandchildren, too)!

In the end, some things may not work out as planned. Don’t worry about it. Your guests will probably not notice the mistakes. It is not enough to ruin your day. Besides, you can make it up on your silver wedding anniversary!

L Hayes is a wedding professional and owner of Wedding Favors Emporium. They carry an extensive line of unique