I would guess you’ve heard the old saying, “you’ll catch more bees with honey than with vinegar”. Of course that makes sense, and you’d never DREAM of trying to attract a bee with vinegar, would you? So why is it that so many of us behave as though nagging, bitching, judging, scolding, being angry, or any of those other methods we use to try to get our men to “shape up and fly right” would work any better at attracting him to what we want?

Nuts, right? Right!

WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO

Some of the challenges for many of us in working the “honey” plan vs. the “vinegar” plan are:

1. We’ve never been taught any differently. How can we behave in a way we’ve never learned? (We ARE our mothers, after all.). We don’t have to look any farther than remembering the way our mother treated our father to know why we treat our men the way we do (until we intentionally learn differently).

2. We don’t know how to ask for what we need or want. It’s been my observation over the years I’ve been coaching women (not to mention my own story!) that many women struggle with this. There’s so much in there about our worthiness and being willing to reveal vulnerability.

3. We often don’t know how to handle the feeling of disappointment, and can easily build up resentment toward our guy. It’s hard to hand out “honey” when what we want to do is “get even” in some way.

4. No matter how great a man we have, it’s inevitable that he’ll let us down. My perspective is that they never mean to hurt or disappoint us; it’s just that the difference in our wiring means he’s going to overlook things that are SO obvious to us. He’s in “mono-focus” mode most of the time, while our “multi-focus” mode makes it hard to understand how he could possibly have _(fill in the blank
here )__.

LEARNING TO DO IT DIFFERENTLY

Now that we’ve covered some of the reasons it’s hard for so many women to manage their relationships in a way that creates harmony, happiness and ease, I want to suggest some other ways to try to get your needs met. Try this program with your husband instead – I’ll bet things will be much better for you both:

1. Always assume he means well and wants to make you happy, no matter WHAT he’s just done. That alone will help you stay connected and loving with him.

2. When you become aware of a need or a want, let him know about it (of course, don’t do this while he’s watching a sporting event, or working on anything else for that matter, because it won’t register!). Then let him do it the way he’s going to do it, rather than micromanaging the “how” or the “when” he chooses. That’s about trusting him to do it, which is key to your success.

3. Whenever he comes REMOTELY close to doing what you want, let him know how pleased you are (in whatever way you can genuinely express that). Keep in mind that most men gravitate toward those things that make them feel good – and SHY away from anything that makes them feel bad. It’s up to you which one of these categories you fall into.

4. When he is doing something you really don’t like, ignore it (of course, if it’s feeling dangerous to you, mention you’re feeling scared and would love it if he’d stop/change it). This is really along the lines of the most effective and popular training techniques used by animal trainers – positive reinforcement (in #3 above), and no recognition of behavior that they don’t want repeated.

5. When you are upset with him, be vulnerable about why, rather than launching in to the blaming “YOU” statements about him, which tend to make anyone defensive (and when someone’s defensive, not much is going to get through).

6. Don’t make EVERYTHING a “do-or-die” thing…learn to let some stuff go, so that when something is a really big deal to you, you can bring it up to him and it’s not going to feel like a “Chicken Little” situation to him (remember the story? The sky was always about to fall, so that eventually no one listened – even when the sky really WAS about to fall.)

IN CONCLUSION

I highly recommend you learn to appreciate the differences between you and your husband. The more you enjoy his “MAN-ness”, the more of the best of him you’ll see – and the more of it he’ll be motivated to show you. You may even get to a deeper place of revealing (and reveling in) your “WOMAN-ness”.

Karen Jones is the founder of The Heart Matters – since 1997, a relationship coaching and seminar company that’s been successfully helping women have the relationship they’ve always dreamed of. To learn how Karen can help you find the right man, please visit her website: TheHeartMatters.com TheHeartMatters.com. To receive the complimentary monthly newsletter, “Ask the Coach”, and also get the immediately downloadable bonus gift “Three Things You Can Begin Doing Right Now to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships with Men” please go to: TheHeartMatters.com/Newsletter_Signup.htm TheHeartMatters.com/Newsletter_Signup.htm.

When the romance has trickled out of your marriage and each day seems to blend in to the next, try these easy ways to re-energize your marriage and your love life.

Start by thinking back to your dating days. If dating was fun, but marriage has become routine-start dating again. Of course, I mean start dating your spouse. Think of him as your lifetime date. Do all the fun things you did when you were deciding whether to marry him. What did you do for fun? Did you play sports, go out to dinner, or go shopping? Make dating your spouse a priority. Fit these activities back into your schedule.

Plan a date night for once a week. If you don’t have any kids, your schedules are probably pretty full. Schedule date night in advance, the same as you would for any other social or professional meeting. If you do have children, hire a babysitter to come over on the same night every week. This will save you from having to find a babysitter every time you want to go out. And, it will strengthen your commitment to date night. For example, plan to have the sitter come over every Thursday, but tell her not to call before arriving. This puts the burden on you to cancel and removes one of your excuses for not keeping the date. By planning ahead, very little effort is involved in the preparation of date night. This makes it much more likely you will get out of the house and keep the promise you made to each other.

When you go out for your date, do something that renews your bond. Watching a movie or going to a concert may be fun, but they don’t give you the opportunity to talk to one another. If you decide to see a movie, follow it up with dessert or coffee. There’s value in just sitting alone together, face to face, and talking.

Your date night should be all about you and your partner so don’t invite friends or family. And definitely leave the kids at home! Allow yourselves enough time to make a night of it. If you schedule only an hour or two out of the house, you will be limited to doing the same thing every date night. Opening up the evening allows you to try new things and decreases the stress of having a curfew.

Since you’ll be dating about three or four times a month, make sure to try new things. Go out to dinner at a new restaurant, go out for coffee, play a board game, go dancing, go for a picnic, go for a bike ride or a swim. The possibilities are limited only by your imaginations. If you get stuck for ideas, try this: each person sets the agenda for alternate date nights. For example, your husband plans the next date night. He makes all the decisions about what, where, when. But, he doesn’t tell you. You get to wonder all week what the date will be. And then on date night, let him be your Master of Ceremonies. You don’t get to complain or criticize-just go with the flow. The following week, it’s your turn. This keeps some surprise and excitement in the dates because even weekly date nights can get routine.

What you do on date nights is not important. What is important is that you are together. Bonding, reconnecting, sharing. And reliving for just a few hours each week, those happy times when you were single but wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person. Well now it is the rest of your life. Keep the romance alive; keep the fun alive. Make your marriage a lifelong date.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach
I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work
relationshipsuccessexperts.com www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question
about your biggest relationship issue
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©2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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Although some people believe that making New Year’s resolutions is a tired old tradition, there are some goals that the average bachelor should seriously think about. After all, getting a lifestyle upgrade, no matter how small, can definitely make you feel better about yourself. Plus, when women see that you have ambition and the drive to improve, they tend to see you in a better light.

1) Eat healthy and develop an exercise routine. Instead of getting a daily cheeseburger dose, opt for healthier snacks like fruits and veggies. Several websites that contain tasty recipes for the diet-conscious, and you should try checking them out. As for exercise, you don’t need to have an expensive gym membership. Taking a long walk, as well as doing simple home exercises, can do the trick. The right kind of food and exercise will not only be good for your body in the long run – they tend to improve your mood and energy levels as well.

2) Set aside your Aerosmith and AC/DC CDs. This doesn’t mean that you have to stop rocking out. Try to make room in your CD collection for some classical music such as Bach or Beethoven, or some jazz (such as Miles Davis or Antonio Carlos Jobim). This type of music is good for a romantic night at home, and it may also help calm your nerves before a hot date.

3) Be aware of current events. It’s true that when you read newspapers, you’ll often be looking at reports of painful tragedies, political wars, and natural disasters. However, you need to be updated on current world events if you want to join in on conversations on Planet Earth. In fact, you may even generate your own opinions – which is a good thing, because we all know that women like strong, decisive men.

4) Take advantage of your locale’s cultural offerings. Try to see a play or a concert. Attend a book fair. These types of activities are a good way to meet like-minded people, which is especially good for men who want to improve their social skills. Plus, these things can be really enjoyable and can open up new interests.

5) Always be reading something. You don’t have to make your gruesome way through “War and Peace”, but you should always be reading something that’s interesting to you – whether it’s an independently published graphic novel or something from the bestseller list. If you feel like reading is an arduous task, reward yourself with a nice DVD or magazine after you get through each book.

Brian McDonald writes for drdating.com DrDating.com a site filled with dating advice and tips about dating, love and relationships. DrDating.com has a huge library of articles about drdating.com internet dating.

You want to surprise your bridesmaids with something special but you are not sure what to get them. Well how about a pair of personalized terry cloth spa slippers. The spa slippers make excellent personalized bridesmaid gifts. The spa slippers come in many different colors and sizes. You can also get a matching personalized spa robe to match as well.

So what makes the spa slippers so great? Well, it is all in the thought. You took your time out to purchase personalized gifts for your bridesmaids. You didn’t just go out and buy whatever you seen at the moment, you actually have taken your time and had the gifts personalized to their liking. That really does mean a lot to your bridesmaids.

When your bridesmaid’s open their new personalized spa slippers they’ll be excited and happy that you have went out of your way to make sure that you made their day. Personalized gifts show just how much you appreciate your wedding party and your guests. It shows everyone that you are not going to purchase some regular ol’ gift for your girls. You are getting them personalized gifts that your bridesmaid’s can cherish for a long time.

Your ladies will go to the spa in style, especially if you splurge on them and pick them up a matching personalized spa robe to match. Why not go all out for your ladies. They’ve been their for you and now it is time for you to ante up to the table and show them exactly how much you appreciate them.

So go get your ladies some personalized gifts. They’ll definitely appreciate it.

Yolanda is the owner of Yolandas Wedding Favors. She sells many different types of yolandasweddingfavors.com wedding favors such as, love glass coasters, two peas in a pod salt and pepper shakers and many many more. Yolandas Wedding Favors also carries many different yolandasweddingfavors.com/bridesmaidgifts.html bridesmaid gifts and yolandasweddingfavors.com wedding gifts spa slippers, personalized money clips, tote bags and much much more.